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To my panic attacks. It was 20 years ago this summer my life changed forever and never again would I be the man I once was. I realise now and have accepted the the numerous friendships it has cost me, the potential friendships it has cost me, the personal creative freedom to do what “I do.”  There is one hellish price to marching to the beat of your own drummer, though it doesn’t have to be. I guess it just depends on what type of family you have and what sort of support system you have in place.

Twenty fuckin’ years lost. Tho it hasn’t been all bad. There was a time I managed to get some great art from it ~ Brian, Danny, Amber & Damien- I love & miss you guys so much it hurts. I hope one day soon we can meet up, catch up. And just enjoy hanginging out. I’m a mess guys, I need you.

You know the ironic thing in all of this was when the panic attacks hit & I didn’t know what they were, it was so bad my grandparentnts pleaded with me to see a shrink & they’d pay- they were that concerned. My response then was, ” Absolutely not. They’ll put me on dome addictive drug and at some point I’ll have to come off the pill & I’m back st square one.  FF 6 years of drastic change and I was crying for Valium. I’ve never had any issue with tranquillisers because I’ve never abused them and I just don’t think my chemical make up leans that way. The yo yo of inconsistent therapy was more harmful than the underlying issues for my anxiety which I’m only recently being given very short glimpses of.

So much wasted, so much lost…It didn’t have to be this way, Valium could have prevented these situations from happening. But THEY don’t want you having it- in the long run they profit more off the heart disease, and other diseases constant anxiety causes. I often wish I’d been aborted.

Damn I wanna grab my B.C. Rich doubleneck bich axe, crank it & the tunes & just rock the fuck out 🤘🏻


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There’s a really neat club called Artsnacks you can find at http://www.artsnacks.co  and I’ve been looking at it for a long time. I did some zentalngling a few years ago and tried to get into drawing, it’s just not my discipline. But I love the idea of the monthly box coming to your door with a surprise of several art supplies.


Does anyone know if there’s something similar for calligraphers/fountain pen users? Not sure what they could include…going by Artsnack, I’d say maybe a couple dip nibs, a tube of gauche to mix for callighrphy “ink”, sampling of new papers for fountain pens, maybe  a 1 or 2 ml. ink sample. I dunno, just seems like it’d be nice if we had our own thing as artists do. The funniest thing being I’m putting myself in with calligraphers-I’m trying to do it but will never get very good at it given the circumstances I’m forced to live under in this Nazi Amerika.

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I got up and fed my cat as usual then went back to bed (well, it was 3.30 AM-she’s got a bum thyroid) and listened to some creepy stories on youtube then decided at 5 to just get up. Couldn’t wait to get cracking at the pen but not right out of bed.

AS the day has worn on, I’ve done this. Have another in the works. Not what I’d really call calligraphy but it’s a lot better than what I was doing before I decided to get serious about penmanship. Hook or by damned crook I will get this before I die.

The lyrics are written in Dr.Ph Martin’s Radiant watercolour. I got so many of these a while back and love them but I can’t really pain watercolour. Unfortunately,they feather on this paper where fountain pen ink wouldn’t. I just don’t own any red fountain pen ink (aside from Diamine Oxblood). Since I deleted my Flickr in a fit of rage I guess this is all I have to gauge my progress now.



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A Purple Farewell

I don’t have much to say, I’m still in shock. BIG part of my teen years gone. Words can’t describe. Went to see Purple Rain last Sunday for the last time. I wasn’t letting the final chance pass to see on the big screen once again. As good as the movie is, tv doesn’t do it justice. It NEEDS a big screen.  Funny, my folks divorced 33 years ago and I spent many a night curled up watching Purple Rain. Prince was the only one who could soothe my pain. It felt like going to a funeral, I got to say my goodbye. 32 years prior I was getting ready to see it fir the first time, then not long after I found myself at the Purple Rain tour. There is only sadness and pain right now.

Purple Goodbye

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Short One

For now. More later.  Saw this again on GoodReads by author Elizabth Lynn Casey. Used to be a big MeMe list site years ago I can’t find anymore, I enjoyed doing them.


1) Last book you read?

   Lita Ford Living Like A Runaway

2) Strangest place you’ve ever read a book?

   Curled up with a lantern in the corner of my closet when I was a child. The book was The Letter The Witch and The Ring by John Bellairs. I still read that series to this day. 

3) If you could have access to only one book for the next twelve months, what would you choose and why?

     Wow this is a tough one, umm, maybe the Codex Seraphinianus. Why, because it’s very weird, very surreal,  very thought-provoking and as indecipherable as it is, it does make some sort of unconscious sense to the subconscious…if that makes any sense at all. The book inspires me. 

4) Have you ever peeked?

      Of course 😉

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I hope you and your family enjoy this as much as I do. It makes me so mad that to get decent, healthy food requires 50 hours per week of research to find out what the hell we’re actually consuming.


The Pilaff

1- 1/2 cups Basmati or other long grain white rice

3 TBSP unsalted butter

2 oz. Vermicelli, broken into 1 inch pieces (there is a German noodle that’s already broken up but I can’t think of the name off hand)

1 onion grated (box grater, I guess the essence but not pieces is what they want)

1 clove garlic, minced

2 1/2 cups chicken broth

1- 1/4 tsp.salt

3 TBSP minced fresh parsley


Put rice in a medium bowl and cover with HOT tap water by 2 or 3 inches. Let it stand for 15 minutes.

Using your hands, gently swish the grains to release the excess starch. Carefully pour off the water, leaving rice in the bowl. Add cold tap water to rice and pour off. Repeat adding and pouring off cold water 4 or 5 times, until water runs almost clear. Drain in a fine mesh strainer (I use cheesecloth, I don’t have a strainter that fine)

Melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Add pasta and cook, stirring occasionally until browned, about 3 minutes (WATCH THIS STEP…it’s like toasting pine nuts…it happens VERY FAST)

Add onion and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally until onion is soft but not browned-about 4 minutes.

Add rice and cook, stirring occasionally, until the edges of the rice begin to turn translucent, about 3 minutes.  Add broth and salt and bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and cook until all liquid is absorbed, around 10 minutes. Fluff with a fork, stir in parsley and serve.   Serves 4 to 6


Now you can serve your family a healthy version without needing a degree in chemistry to understand what all is in the packaged junk.


The eggless Egg Salad can be found HERE on Christina Pirello’s site. This is SO good and I’m happy I can eat this as much as I want without worrying about cholesterol. I guarantee you, if you make this with nobody around, nobody will be able to tell it’s not egg salad. Absolutely ndelicious…looks and taste wise.   Let me know how it goes!


Typing this up just made me realise that there’s all kinds of crap in places we never think to look. For instance, I found triglycerides in garlic powder. I forget which brand but watch your labels. I used to put garlic powder on my salads with total abandon thinking it was healthy and I was doing my body good. NEVER thought to look to see what was lurking in it. Triglycerides were the LAST thing I’d expect to find. Now I just mince up a clove of real garlic & toss it in my salad.


I also used to buy Carolina Brand Yellow Rice. Until I  noticed it also contained trans fats. If there’s partially hydrogenated anything in something like rice or garlic powder I think we, the consumer, have a right to know. So I wrote to Carolina Brand company asking why there are trans fats in rice. They replied that they’d get back to me. About 2 weeks later I got an email from a “Scientist” at that company asking exactly which product, UPS code and all. I said you don’t need to know the UPC code..I’m telling you your YELLOW RICE has trans fats in it. WHY? They never responded even after I fired off 3 or 4 more asking why so I vowed I was going to spread the word as wide as I could. Why does a ‘scientist’ need to reply? It’s  a question any employee at that company should be able to answer..weather it’s in rice or flour or whatever. If its to prevent caking, I’d rather use  a skewer and break a caked product up myself (think SPIKE seasoning). As someone who has always eaten pretty healthy (not a big meat fan and never was), I was shocked to learn I had high cholesterol about a decade ago…went to a dietician to try & get to the bottom of it and she wanted me to pretty much eat nothing but nuts. I said I’m a sushi fan, I will not give up sushi and if I altered my diet anymore than do, I’ll be eating dried twigs and dead leaves. What the food industry is doing to those not alert is CRIMINAL.

I used to LOVE Cento Pepperoncini. I grew up with them in salads. I don’t like the artificial colouring in them and had stopped buying them for the past 5 years or so. I now use Jeff’s Naturals Pepperoncini available on Amazon. There’s maybe 5 ingredients in them, all can be pronounced by us everyday people and the yellow colouring if not a toxic FDC dye, but it comes from the healthy Turmeric seasoning. And the taste? For the first time in my 47 years I think I’ve actually tasted these and it’s put of this world good…VERY different from the chemical laden crap Cento sells.

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I signed up for a few classes in December when Craftsy had their 50% off sale. One was Carol Ann Waugh’s Stupendous Stitching. SO I did that one last week and finished it Monday. All I need is the frame and the glue to mount it. Really happy with how it came out and with all the anxiety in this house, it was the perfect ‘mindless’ project. I can’t wait to do another.

There is a lot of stress in this house at this point, so much so my weight has dropped to 130 pounds. Gotta love the anxiety diet.

Anyway, this is the Stupendous Stitching I did form Carol Ann Waugh’s class over on Craftsy. HIGHLY recommended. That link will take you to the intro in a  new window. I have ideas and more to do but my machine has to go in for service this weekend and I’m used to the 9mm stitches so it would be kind of hard for me to try this on my 530 since it only has a 5.5mm stitch bite.  I could couch the cords down on it.

So much crap to clean up around here, need to get it sorted so that’s what I’m off to do.

BTW- this is not 100% complete. It need to be mounted on a  stretcher bar frame which I’ve yet to do. Hopefully this wekeend.



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