So my birthday was Monday and things were pretty decent. Nobody made a big deal out of it and I appreciated that as I don’t really do birthdays anymore, they freak me out at almost a half century old. Then, as usual, the following day had a blow out with my father as he was hovering over me while I was trying to get my dinner prepared so I ended up throwing it all out and not eating. I may have had an english muffin later in the evening. He used to do this to my mother with her mail and other things after the divorce as this is when the shit really hit the fan and he had FAR FAR FAR too much free time on his hands. He went to visit her (they divorced when I was 15) once and went though her purse looking for god knows what when she ripped it out of his hands. Bottom line is his ego is incredible, he didn’t even get it when she snapped at him and snidely asked if he found what he was looking for. TOTALLY unphased, he said yeah.
So I’ve been pretty non-functional al week as my anxiety is in the stratosphere. How is it someone can be SO bored for 2 decades+ and not realise it after all that time? Most people will eventually show signs of some degree of agitation after a prolonged period of boredom-not my father. I always say I’m never going to speak to him again after this sort of shit goes down but he’s 80 and I feel guilty and bad so I start talking again and the cycle repeats. It sounds awful but I just cannot allow my self to care anymore. *I* am the one getting injured her, chipped elbow, huge bruise on my knee, I’ve suffered a second degree burn on my wrist, all this has aged me well beyond my years (for years nobody has or ever will see a photo of me that I don’t heavily edit in Photoshop in), I sleep no more than 3 1/2 hours a night, often have severe panic attacks. Anybody who suffers severe anxiety understands what goes on. I have also lost an incredible amount of things to the aggression my anxiety takes. it has been a frustrating, expensive odyssey. And it has destroyed my ability to write so yet another book I had started remains unfinished at page 81 and will do forever. I started it 9 years ago. I’m not the same man I was at that point, my head is not in the same headspace it was, my confidence has been broken even more since then. I have tried writing separate chapters as individual short stories and hoping I could link them back into the book but even that isn’t working out. This is fucking criminal. I don’t belong here, I belong among creative people. I can’t do this merry-go-normal shit, never could, not even as a child.
Anyway, I managed to get an OESD free standing lantern stitched out last week. Really love this, much larger than I thought it would be. This is the first of this sort of project iv’e successfully completed and even at that, it could use some improvement. I got most of it done last Wednesday when I had realsied I forgot to stitch out 2 more sides to make the hexagon shape to fit the base so I did those 2 extra panels. Had to re-do the top as well as the hexagon is somewhat smaller than the square lanterns. Initially it was slightly damp when I constructed it so it was ok but the remaining pieces were attached 2 days later when it was all bone dry and some of the button holes stretched out really bad to get the alligator clamp through to pull the tiny buttons through. Next time I’ll make sure I have all the necessary pieces and double check it all so it can all be constructed while it’s damp.
Have been having my life flashing before my eyes lately, different shit I recall from teenage yeas and later. Some of it is questions I’ve long been trying to figure out. As the years progress, some of this insight iv’e been searching for for so long becomes clearer and the puzzle pieces fall into place. Not sure the other aspect of why this is happening but it scares me.
So I sit here listening to a great album by this elusive group, Woolfy vs. Projections. Awesome mood music, very relaxing. I actually did stumble upon some info on them about a year ago. I first heard them shopping for furniture. The song was Abysynth from The Return of Starlight. This was one time I was thankful to have a smartphone, I was able to Shazam it and find out who it was. Then added it to my Spotify playlist.
So here’s the lantern. I have more fabric to make 3 more. Lucky me🙂 These are an incredible amount of work but really cool when done. When I get another cone of black thread, I’ll do another. I have blue, red and gold organza for the others. Supposed to be a tealight to illuminate them but the head on my tripod was destroyed during a fight so I can’t use my DSLR to take it and the iPhone takes lousy photos at night.