Barely Here

I know, you’ve thought I’d dropped off the face of the earth. Not really a whole lot to say. Knitting is VERY VERY difficult for me, just don’t have the brains to focus so there’s a lot of fucking up on very easy stuff.  I had been spending an incredible amount of time in Secod Life as that was the only way I could really cope but that is causing friction here at home so that will be coming to an end…and really, there needs to be a healty balance between reality and fantasy…and I’m unsure how to do that when my nerves are frazzled as it is. I cannot and do not handle reality very well in large chunks.

I go to the doctor next week and we find out then if he is going to do the right thing and allow me to have quakity of life and switch me to Valium or if I then will leave the office in tears at another denial and buy a handful of bottles of Nyquil and use that to manage anxiety since that puts me into the twilight zone. I’ll risk blowing my liver that way but really…what fucking choice do I have? I’m not being given any other option.  *I* have to live with this, not my doctor. It’s not his business if I become addicted…I am far more happy to deal with addiction to Valium and have an anxiety free (or GREATLY reduced) life than to cry for it and suffer as I have been. I can taper off the Valium IF and when I am ready to do so…that cannot be done with anxiety. You CAN’T taper off anxiety. One way or the other  this is going to stop next week…just not sure which way. My outlooks is, I’ve suffered with this for over  a decade, the last 4 years have been motherfucking BRUTAL, managed for 2 with Xanax which is NOT the right drug for me anymore. This is MY life, MY anxiety, MY money, MY FUCKING BUSINESS. This fucking country has it’s nose shoved too far up everyones asses. Just give me the goddamned Valium and let ME worry about the addiction and tapering off when *I* am ready to come off of it…IF I am ever ready. I know how to taper off…I didn’t go into the Xanax blindly-I’ve got a lot of research under my belt with this…I know what the fuck I’m doing and this is not for fucking kicks. I wish It were, it wouldn’t be as frustrating.

But we all know better…our treatment never really comes down to what’s best for us…it’s all dependent upon what is most profitable for the doctor & insurance companies. LOL! I wasn’t born blond, I’m not stupid. The United States medical community out to be motherfucking ASHAMED of themselves! It’s all profit…they don’t give one flying fuck about preventative medicine…they manage, not prevent. Ther is NO SUCH THING as preventative medicine-there’d be no money in it for them if it really worked that way, is there. Think about it. hard to do but face reality-that’s the way it is….they profit off our illnesses and it will NEVER change.

SO that’s where I’m at…nothing new…same shit, different day, different year. I even almost cancelled Ravlery except I couldn’t figure out how to do that. SO I deleted all my projects, all my books, all my stash, all  my groups. ALl that remains is the photos for Patrick, Whitby and the Zebra sweater since those were linked to the designers page or whatever it is.

Who can I sue for shitty quaility of life? The scum in our prisons do it all the time and they, by law, should have no rights but they do….I think I’m entitled to the same.

Until then…I have an attitude of fuck the world. I’m so sorry I didn’t get that tattooed on me back in the day. Might not be too late anyway except I have no interests in tattoos anymore-too common now.

My mom said often, “Life sucks and then you die.” How motherfucking true! AND that was coming from a woman who had a lot of friends and loved life.