Done

shit-1

Originally uploaded by Family Ghost

I’ve had trouble in the past with this. Back then I said I was goig to burn the fucking book and post the video to celebrate. Well, since Im’ now living back at my dad’s, no longer in my own house, I can’t do thoat so I decided to post a picture of the book torn to shit. I’m not even saying her name-she’s not worth that much energy-she’s drained me of far too much already.

I also have that cardigan I just finished ready for the button bands…oddly enough, I think I don’t like the way it fits in the arms. If that’s the case…I’m done knitting. Knitting has taken on too much a modern image, leaving behind the granny image. I don’t take well to change and I’m sorry if the ‘granny imagine” offended people. Personally, the new modern imagine offends me. I don’t like it.

I may go back to music, I may go back to wrirting-an attempt at those would be better. I’m just fucking sick of all this bullshit with knitting. I used to be able to do it-but the modern revivial of it leaves a bad tsate in my mouth .

A few things for sure…Roller Coaster season is now upon us….I need to ride…I REALY need to get high…one good fucked out of my mind stoner evening would do me a fucking world of good.
I have to stop here. See, I took two Ativan a few hours ago and they’re wearing off and I’ feeling the rage beginning to rise again as I type this. Can’t have that.

Mom, you were right…life sucks!

Metal Workers out there?

I just got fucked over yet once again on Etsy hiring someone to make me Valium earrings. Three months later I’m still sitting with my thumb up my ass waiting. I could have made a fucking TIffany stained glass lamp in less time.

I’ve been burned twice on Etsy-I think there’an asshole site and no longer will use them…I’ve been fucked over trying to order an extremely hard to get video so it’s with mych hesitancy I ask this but I’m desperate. I really want Valium earrings.

IF you are SERIOUS, If you CAN MAKE GOOD ON YOUR PROMISE,  if you are a PROFESSIONAL, if you have a GOOD WORK ETHIC and if you are not full of excuses, please leave me a note here as I am very interested in hand forged silver Valium earrings. Artwork will be supplied. ”If it’s a hobby and you’re not sure or cannot guarantee this…please don’t waste my time and nerves or yours. I’b been fucked over too many times and can’t handle the tease of hanging the promise of it in front of me only to pull it back and laughing at the fool I was to think you could/would do it.

PLEASE HELP ME??? PLEASE??!?!??!? This is stupidto you I know but means A LOT to me. It’s my fucking sanity.

Thanks…

Jax

Barely Here

I know, you’ve thought I’d dropped off the face of the earth. Not really a whole lot to say. Knitting is VERY VERY difficult for me, just don’t have the brains to focus so there’s a lot of fucking up on very easy stuff.  I had been spending an incredible amount of time in Secod Life as that was the only way I could really cope but that is causing friction here at home so that will be coming to an end…and really, there needs to be a healty balance between reality and fantasy…and I’m unsure how to do that when my nerves are frazzled as it is. I cannot and do not handle reality very well in large chunks.

I go to the doctor next week and we find out then if he is going to do the right thing and allow me to have quakity of life and switch me to Valium or if I then will leave the office in tears at another denial and buy a handful of bottles of Nyquil and use that to manage anxiety since that puts me into the twilight zone. I’ll risk blowing my liver that way but really…what fucking choice do I have? I’m not being given any other option.  *I* have to live with this, not my doctor. It’s not his business if I become addicted…I am far more happy to deal with addiction to Valium and have an anxiety free (or GREATLY reduced) life than to cry for it and suffer as I have been. I can taper off the Valium IF and when I am ready to do so…that cannot be done with anxiety. You CAN’T taper off anxiety. One way or the other  this is going to stop next week…just not sure which way. My outlooks is, I’ve suffered with this for over  a decade, the last 4 years have been motherfucking BRUTAL, managed for 2 with Xanax which is NOT the right drug for me anymore. This is MY life, MY anxiety, MY money, MY FUCKING BUSINESS. This fucking country has it’s nose shoved too far up everyones asses. Just give me the goddamned Valium and let ME worry about the addiction and tapering off when *I* am ready to come off of it…IF I am ever ready. I know how to taper off…I didn’t go into the Xanax blindly-I’ve got a lot of research under my belt with this…I know what the fuck I’m doing and this is not for fucking kicks. I wish It were, it wouldn’t be as frustrating.

But we all know better…our treatment never really comes down to what’s best for us…it’s all dependent upon what is most profitable for the doctor & insurance companies. LOL! I wasn’t born blond, I’m not stupid. The United States medical community out to be motherfucking ASHAMED of themselves! It’s all profit…they don’t give one flying fuck about preventative medicine…they manage, not prevent. Ther is NO SUCH THING as preventative medicine-there’d be no money in it for them if it really worked that way, is there. Think about it. hard to do but face reality-that’s the way it is….they profit off our illnesses and it will NEVER change.

SO that’s where I’m at…nothing new…same shit, different day, different year. I even almost cancelled Ravlery except I couldn’t figure out how to do that. SO I deleted all my projects, all my books, all my stash, all  my groups. ALl that remains is the photos for Patrick, Whitby and the Zebra sweater since those were linked to the designers page or whatever it is.

Who can I sue for shitty quaility of life? The scum in our prisons do it all the time and they, by law, should have no rights but they do….I think I’m entitled to the same.

Until then…I have an attitude of fuck the world. I’m so sorry I didn’t get that tattooed on me back in the day. Might not be too late anyway except I have no interests in tattoos anymore-too common now.

My mom said often, “Life sucks and then you die.” How motherfucking true! AND that was coming from a woman who had a lot of friends and loved life.

Sexy but painful

365-011 Pain

Originally uploaded by Family Ghost

Even tho the feelings behind this are not pleasant by any means, this is the mental anguish I live with on a daily basis. EVERY day…..I can not live like this anymore. Today was a MOTHERFUCKER of a brutal day.

Even so…There’s something about this that I like…sexy vulnerability I think.

Ride a Roller Coaster with me?

I wanna ride a coaster…wanna ride with me? The line is pretty short, only a few people outside of the elevated station. The station is quite minimalistic-no fancy frills, just a shack to load up happy victims, err…riders.  We’re talking about all the rides in the park-an attempt by me to divert your attention from the insane height of this coaster. As we approach, a train full of smiling, cheering people with fists in the air comes swooping by at break-neck speed. You look a bit tentative. C’mon…the track is blue-everybody knows scary coasters don’t have blue tracks. The station is lit up by red neon inside. As we walk inside, the faint, futuristic theme begins to play. I stand next to you as we wait by the air gates so you can’t look at the trackage leading out of the station. We’re laughing and talking and….HEY! A red train pulls in all ready for a new load. I don’t tell you the red train is the fastest one from what I remember last year.

“Do we have to sit so close to the back?” you ask. I nod…yes…it’s the best seat in the house and we’re in the front of the very last car. I’m sitting on the outer seat, I like to be higher up on the second hill which is an over-banked turn. “It’ll take forever to get to the top.” I smile as the attendants approach to check the restraints. Your eyes open WIDE and you point ahead. “What is THAT? That’s not the track is it?” You try to crane your neck to see where it goes as it bends upward at a VERY sharp angle almost immediately out of the station. “That’s where we’re headed-that’s the lift hill.” Attendants stop,press on our lap bars, check the safety belt and give the thumbs up. “But it goes up right away?” You said a bit shakily. “Yes…we have 310 feet to climb, gotta start straight away!” “Holly shit!” you yelp as the train makes a sudden and swift move out and STRAIGHT UP. “HOLY SHIT! You didn’t tell me it was THIS tall.” It’s eerily quiet-no clanking chain like on other coasters. Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten  “What the fuck are you doing?” you yell. “Count with me.” Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One….We’re at the top!” Twenty Two seconds to climb three hundred and ten feet-this sucker means BUSINESS!  And that said, the train begins to lean over….SEVERELY….pointing down, down, down. Your eyes look like they’re going to bug out of your head “WHERE’S THE BOTTOM?”, you grip the grab bar tightly….and scream. The train is tilted at an almost perfect 90 degree angle. We’re actually at 80 degrees, not quite vertical but at this height, does it really matter? The smooth acceleration is what is noticeable. At the bottom of the 300 foot drop, we hit 93miles per hour. Just as fast as we’re going,the train pulls up again into a 163 foot tall over-banked turn. I tell you to look behind you and DOWN. It enhances the illusion that we’re almost upside down. Gracefully righting itself again, the train straightens out and curves to the left as it enters a tunnel,rocketing out and straight up another tall hill…this is the THIRD hill and we’re still over 180 feet off the ground.At this point, my arms are over my head. “Are you crazy?” you ask. I smile and nod. The wind rushing through our hair, smiles, laughing. You’re relaxing but not quite enough to put your arms up.

 Down this hill and we’re curving to the right…turning…turning…turning…pulling out and twisting over to the left into the second over-banked turn which nearly turns us upside down…but not quite. Pulling out to the right, we trace a smaller hill that lies just next to the one we just travelled a second before. “Smile for the camera” I say…you’re about to get your picture taken. Just before the exit to this tunnel, strobes flash and the picture is snapped. We both have big smiles and are laughing and feeling pretty damned good. “Almost over.” I say as we blitz by the queue. Heads turn to watch the train shoot past. We hit the third and final over-banked turn…still doing approx. 60 mph and then hit the brake run.

Everybody is clapping and shouting as the attendant at the unloading platform asks how was our ride on Millennium Force. You look over to me and smile. “That was fun but I gotta sit down and catch my breath.” I nod. “Okay…but I need to get another ride in.While the line is still very short, I’m gonna take advantage of it.”

You’ve just survived one of the tallest, fastest coasters in the world. It’s certainly one of the most fun ones I’ve ever ridden. Thanks for riding with me!

(I said last year I was going to do this but never did a virtual ride-along for Millennium Force. Can you tell I’m in SEVERE coaster withdrawal?)

Snowball Fight

So it’s been snowing all day. I stayed up late last night watching RUSH and it had a good head start when I woke up at 8 this morning. LATE LATE LATE for me.  One of the benefits of having a hernia is I am not supposed to shovel it so I can stay in, be a lay-about and knit and enjoy a picture like this:

While that was going on, I spent the afternoon in my room (what else is new? This is NOT how a 41 year old should be living.) watching Doctor Who and realsied I like Chris Eccleston as the Doctor but not as much as David Tennant and not sure I”m wild about the guy replacing David but what choice do we have? It has always been a  show of change and evolution-something I don’t handle too well.  After a few Doctor Who episodes,I popped in The Idolmaker. Haven’t seen that in decades, my mum would have loved it. And as soon as I post this, I’m going to watch Dead of Winter which is one of my all time favourites. I’m contemplating throwing in The Exorcist, it’s been a while since I last saw that which is good. I’ve seen it SO many times over the past 30 years it was getting boring. Was working on this while the devil box was on:

I needed another pair of slippers and even tho these bore the shit out of me after knitting 3 pair back to back for Christmas,they’re my favourite slipper sock so….this should carry me though until next winter. Need to find a jumper to knit…I’m getting tired of socks. 

One thing that sorta set me off was this is perfect weather to write and I was burning a Yankee Candle (Baby Powder scent) and it made me want to get back to writing my book except I don’t have the solitude to do it. I want to finish it so bad but sometimes I think that’s not gonna happen. This will be the SECOND fuckin’ book I started writing and never finished. I HAVE to get back to this one…I miss my characters, I miss the scenarios they took me to, I miss their lifestyle and I miss spending time with them. I know that sounds crazy but if you write, you understand. 

Sketchy day…was decent compared to the usual but I hate right before dinner when my dad stands there and studies me while I make a salad. it’s a contest to keep myself from going over the edge and I don’t often make it. This has been going on for so long I wonder, sometimes, if I’m even capable of a normal life anymore…I’d probably need to re-learn how to live without stressing like this. I forget what it’s like to laugh and have a really good day. I gotta learn soon-Cedar Point is coming up quickly. I think I’ll start marking the days off on a calendar.

 

I saw this on another blog: Writer’s Block Question tricky questions: What is your first reaction when someone says “I need to talk to you”?  My reaction is Where’s the Valium? Either way it’s generally not something I’m in a  frame of mind or mood to deal with.

Shipping Woes

I’m sat here with a  cup of tea trying to wake up and scanning some blogs. One of my favourites is my friend Moon’s blog which sent me on a not so pleasant trip backwards this morning. She collects vintage sewing machines and has some really nice ones but this morning I saw a post of a sad looking machine who’d been beaten up mugged during shipping. She didn’t say how the girl shipped it, only that the packing was piss poor which brings me back to my run-in with Federal Express. Three or four years ago, I sent my vintage synthesiser to England for upgrading. The thing is 24 years old, weighs a metric ton…seriously-the mainframe (what the keyboard is resting on) is about 120 pounds. This is what it looks like in pristine condition…purdy,ain’t it? This one is Mike Oldfield’s. 

This is not mine-mine is still down at my house. I kept a carful eye on this during the return back to the USA and after it spent about a month at Newark NJ airport clearing customs and they decided it was not a nuclear missile launcher, Fed Ex picked it up and delivered it. When the monkey rang my doorbell I told him…”My parcel is VERY heavy-please wait for me to throw my sneakers on and I will help you.” As I sat to put my sneakers on I heard a loud THWUNK on my front porch and my blood turned to ice. 

The asshole had lifted it himself and dropped it, literally, on end on the front porch. All smiles and proud of himself he said “What’s in here mister, a body?” No you fucking deaf moron…it WAS a vintage synthesizer that in 1985, cost $75,000. What part of I WILL HELP YOU PLEASE WAIT FOR ME did you NOT understand??????

There is a large dent on one end-it still works but he fucked the hard drive up, it clicks and sometimes freezes. I can’t afford to have it replaced partly because I do not know how to transfer the contents of the drive to another one and partly because I can’t justify the cost being that I never get to play anymore. 

Back in the day I had grandiose notions of making music with this. It is a complete music workstation and was used on a lot of records back in the 80’s. The Fairlight was very popular with the British musicians since it came from Australia. I was made aware of it via Kate Bush and Peter Gabriel. Kate brought it in for a bit on Never Forever, used it to prime advantage on The Dreaming and continued with it through The Sensual World. I wonder if she still has hers? It is an awesome piece of musical history to own, especially since there aren’t that many in the world as they were all hand build. 

I STILL would like to clear out space up here at my dad’s to bring it up but my situation right now barely allows me to knit in peace, let alone do music. I have a beautiful baby grand piano rotting in the living because I just am not allowed the peace and solitude to play the damn thing. I miss making music. 

 

Ya gotta love shipping companies, though in Moon’s case, it was an incompetent shipper. 

Now Playing : Hotel California

Socks and Snow

I thought it was a good idea to update now since I’m sitting up at 12.20 AM on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. Had a mental meltdown this afternoon over something rather minor but in this house, nothing in minor hence why my anxiety has not diminished but actually increased. Only it comes from a  different source rather than the 24/7 industrial shit. I’m not going to go into any lengthy bullshit…you all have heard it a million times before and I’m sure you’re sick of hearing it because I’m past sick of ranting about it. Let’s just say right now I’m real sorry I never got a blue Valium tattooed on me. Although….the imp on my left forearm is sleeping under  a magic mushroom-you didn’t think I totally eschewed any drug references in my tattoos, did you? Sadly, I think the third and final piece of the trio was smoking an opium pipe.  Honestly,I’m NOT a major druggie…but I never anticipated the anxiety I’m suffering with now and the ONLY thing that helped was the Xanax which I’m no longer taking (it works but wears off too fast leaving me back at square 1 and I will NOT multi-dose on it)  and I need the Valium to help. I never thought it would be so goddamned hard to feel human. I’m sorry if my constant cries for Valium put people off-if you suffer debilitating anxiety-then you understand where I’m coming from. If you don’t suffer from it, then you have no clue about it. Hopefully I can get switched to the Valium before I suffer a heart attack or stroke in which case there will be lawsuits. I’m trying to PREVENT that which is why I sound like a druggie. If I have a heart attack, I can no longer ride roller coasters and my life is over when that happens. I lost my rock & roll friends and scene-that was taken from me….I lost my mom. I cannot lose coasters or I will have lost the last thing that makes me truly happy. If that happens…I will literally have lost it all. 

I have finished one Exploding Rib sock from Wisehilda Knits. You can see the sock in her blog and if you like it, search Ravelry for the pattern. I’m really enjoying this and there’s something very soothing about the ribs in the sock…the way they flow like they do. Maybe it’s because it reminds me of a spider. I dunno. Here’s the sock:

Hard to see the ribs on it. It’s the lighting. 

So I was watching one video of Millennium Force on youtube the other evening and found myself siting there with tears in my eyes at how much I miss that coaster. Sometimes it seems like it’s so far off that I’ll never get back on it. I remember sitting having breakfast and tapping my foot wishing Chris would hurry up and finish his breakfast ‘coz I couldn’t wait to get to the park and run to MF. We always made it & I always got my 2-3 rides before the park opened to the public. We’ll be going with 3 friends this summer…that will be awesome. Until then…I dream of Cedar Point and sitting my aging ass on a coaster every night when I go to sleep. It seem so far off…..

 

OH HELL’S BELLS! I forgot to post a picture I shot last night.Saw this out my bedroom window before I got in bed so I snapped a picture then sat up looking at this in the dark for a while. It was just so peaceful and magical. 

Gute Nacht….

Rose is Rose

Merry Christmas…I think

 

I had sorta planned to do an audio entry, is that a podcast even if it’s only one entry? Not sure why I didn’t other than  just pure laziness. I’ve just had ZERO ambition.

I’ve had to power knit a scarf for my dad, Fisherman rib. Started it yesterday, finished it after lunch today. Umm, I don’t wanna see ribbing for a year now.

he’s also getting the log cabin slipper/socks I made him. He has until the end of January to start wearing them before I ask for them back. This will be the second pair of log cabins I’ve wasted my time on that hasn’t been worn which is why I no longer knit for anybody but myself.

Christmas dinner menu had changed several times to the point I want to eat a bowl of cheerios. If I knew this is how it was going to be I would have ordered my fucking sushi. Everybody is trying to be so goddamned accommodating to me…if they want to be so fucking accommodating to me…..TAKE ME TO NEW YORK FOR CHRISTMAS! THAT is what I want. For the past twenty five fucking years I’ve wanted to spend a holiday ‘home’ in Manhattan but I guess people don’t want to be THAT accommodating, eh? Just accommodating enough so that it doesn’t put them out. Typical of a fucking New Englander. They’re all so ‘open-minded’ so long as your views mesh with theirs. Another wish for many years was to spend ushering in New Years at the Rainbow Room…..think that’s gonna happen in this lifetime? So I’m stuck in this hell hole eating pork (my dad eats FAR too much fucking meat) when I wanted sushi and wishing more than anything I was home where I could walk through the park and take a walk down any street and find some interesting place to pop into. 

Which somehow leads me to missing my circle so much and wishing time could reverse itself so I could spend one more weekend with them. I wonder where “O” is and if he’s buried his demons-I worry. And what “R” is up to and how his daughter must be a knock-out by now. I wonder if “B” is still as crazy as ever and how it’d be so great to throw on some Tesla, crack open a couple bottles of suds and sit back and let the good times roll with “J”-I wonder if he still likes Tesla? And I wonder most about the one with the eyes, who never quite got into the circle…I wonder what “D” is doing right this very minute? Where he’s at in life, if he’s happy and being treated right. I miss you buddy and hope you’re ok. I’d still love to knock back a couple beers and shoot some pinball with you….you’d probably whip my ass since I’ve not played pinball in 16 years.

This entry is really rather prickly, that’s how my mind feels right now, it’s not very pleasant.Not pleasant at all. The climate of the world needs to go back to the way it was in the late 70’s and 80’s. We were so much better off then-as a society and a nation.

Anyway….Merry Christmas  and to “D”,  Merry Christmas wherever you are. I wish we could go hang at a show-Maiden would be fun.